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My friend Lisa ordered tiramisu at this Italian place in the Marina last month. What came out was a sad slice of something that looked like it had been sitting in a display case for three days. The ladyfingers were mushy and falling apart. The mascarpone layer tasted like Cool Whip mixed with instant coffee.…

My friend Jake ordered “authentic Italian appetizers” at this place in North Beach last week. The menu promised traditional starters straight from Italy. What came out was fried mozzarella sticks with marinara, loaded potato skins with cheese, and deep-fried calamari rings that tasted like rubber bands. “This is Applebee’s food with Italian branding,” he said,…

My friend Tom ordered a charcuterie board at this Italian place in the Marina last month and it was basically a Costco shopping trip on a plank. Pre-sliced salami in those plastic packages. Kirkland brand cheese. Canned olives. Jarred cornichons. They charged him $38 for maybe $12 worth of grocery store products arranged to look…

My friend Rachel ordered caprese salad at this Italian place in North Beach last week. It came out looking depressing – pale pink tomatoes sliced thick, rubbery mozzarella that bounced when she poked it, wilted brown basil, and what tasted like vegetable oil instead of olive oil. “This is $16?” she said, pushing the plate…

My friend Lisa ordered bruschetta at this Italian place in the Marina last month. It came out on a plate – six pieces of bread that were hard as rocks topped with watery chopped tomatoes that immediately made the bread soggy. The tomatoes tasted like nothing. The bread was impossible to bite through. “This is…

My friend Rachel ordered an antipasto platter at this Italian place in North Beach last week. It came out on a wooden board with what looked like grocery store salami, pre-sliced provolone, canned olives, and jarred marinated vegetables. The whole thing probably cost the restaurant $8 to assemble and they charged her $28. “This is…

My friend Jake ordered chicken parmigiana at this Italian place in North Beach last month and got what looked like a fried chicken cutlet drowning in a pool of marinara with a pound of melted cheese on top. The chicken was dry. The breading was soggy from all the sauce. The cheese was rubbery. “This…

My friend Tom ordered lasagna at this Italian place in the Marina last week. It came out in a perfect rectangle with perfectly even layers. Too perfect. “This is from Costco,” he said after one bite. The pasta was gummy. The sauce was sweet like jarred marinara. The ricotta mixture was bland and watery. The…

My friend Rachel ordered risotto at this place in North Beach last month and got a bowl of what looked like rice porridge. Watery. Gummy. No texture. “This is risotto?” she asked, confused. The waiter insisted that’s how it’s supposed to be. No. Absolutely not. Real risotto has texture – each grain of rice is…

My friend Lisa has celiac disease and she’s basically given up on pizza. “Every gluten-free pizza I’ve tried tastes like sadness,” she said. Cardboard crust. Crumbly texture. No flavor. She’d rather skip pizza entirely than eat most gluten-free versions. Then I dragged her to Soma Restaurant & Bar and made her try their gluten-free pizza.…